I ended up watching both movies last night. Well, okay, I didn’t actually watch the whole movies, because I did fast forward through most of them and just watched the drowning scenes I’d been thinking about.
Funny how I’d mis-remembered them somehow into a single memory.
But in any case, I’ve gotten that strange deju-vu feeling out of my mind. I think I can talk about what happened last Saturday now.
We had another session with the guidance counselor yesterday. Sarah was there this time. She wasn’t at school at all this week until yesterday. She looked like hell, her eyes all bloodshot, her hair a frazzled mess.
I just wanted to hold and comfort her, tell her it would all be okay.
But what’s the use in that? I’m the one who caused it, after all.
So today more people started talking about what it meant to them. Sarah didn’t say anything. When she left the room crying, I started to get up to follow her and a friend of hers, Julie, held me back.
“Peter, don’t” she whispered to me. “She just wants to be left alone.”
“But . . .” I started to protest.
Julie shook her head. “You’ll just make it worse.”
“Shouldn’t you go?” I asked Julie. “I mean, her new boyfriend just died, after all, and . . .”
She interrupted me. “Sarah hasn’t been with anyone since you guys broke up, Peter.”
“I don’t know what you’ve been hearing, but she hasn’t been seeing anyone, certainly not Chad, and she hasn’t even been spending time with me or any of her other friends all that much. She just wants to be left alone.”
“Are you sure?”
Julie had always been one of Sarah’s closest friends. We hadn’t spoken all that much since Sarah and I broke up. I’d assumed that Julie was still close with Sarah and so had felt uncomfortable around her, hadn’t even spoken with her since the break-up.
“But I saw them . . .” I started to say.
The guidance counselor interrupted me at that point. “Peter, do you have something you would like to share with the group?”
Yeah, your toupee is way too damn obvious I wanted to shout out. But instead, I shook my head and listened to students take turns offering up different versions of the same story. With each rendition I heard, I kept reliving my own experience of that day.
And now that I've heard all those different viewpoints and watched those scenes that had been plaguing my mind, I think I’m ready to talk about it, tell what happened from my point of view. But not right now. I’ve got to start getting ready for school.